denny-1's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Get it? It is acceptance that we want. That's it. Acceptance. Why don't they just open their fucking eyes and see this. Acceptance. A ten letter word. An easy fucking task. What is this shit about Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus?...this shit. The uselessness of this. Why can't men just wake the fuck up and see it? Do they all need to be told? "This is what I need." What is this shit? I'm bitter. No, I'm fucking bitter. I'm so fucking bitter that I could make an asshole pucker. I just want to...fuck! "I don't want to be a YES man", he says. "A, YES man?", I say. What the fuck is that? What is that? A YES man? A fucking YES man. Oh, I was so mad. I was soo soooo soooo fucking mad. I asked him to explain to me what the fuck a YES man is...He proceeds to inform me that he's not one of those men that just says "yes" to his significant others every whim...That when he makes a decision he, "devises a plan. A written agenda." That he's not the type to just "agree to appease." I told him to stick his written agenda up his ass. "What have I ever asked you for?" ..."Name all of the things that I've asked you for."...and he couldn't. He rambles off some lame ass statement about me talking about getting an MBA degree. And I said, "HA," "Don't you see?"..."don't you see what it is that I'm asking for?"...(stupid fuck) "I'm asking for your fucking ACCEPTANCE!"...all I've ever asked is that you support me, accept me, and believe in me. "I don't need YOU." "there is nothing that you can give me that I can't find elsewhere...It's the fucking support that I need most." I'm wondering today if he finally get's it. I went on to describe to him how much I've supported his endeavors over the past 5 years. How I never question his decisions, I may asked him to talk about them because I'm interested in his thoughts, but I've never said, "you can't do this, or you can't do that" and, "I don't think that's a good idea" or, "you don't need to do that"...if anything, I've said, "take the risk"... Ever feel like ripping the balls of your eyes right out of the socket because they just can't function as eyes anymore. Ever feel like the pit of your gut is empty, lifeless? "I do support you," he said. "I love you so much, " he said. "I'm sorry," he said. This time sorry isn't good enough. I don't want anymore sorrys. I'm not interested in a "sorry". I'm interested in, "if you really want to do this then I will support you." I don't want material items from anyone. I want to make and buy my own things. I don't want to own anyone anything. When I was a kid, my parents told me I could do and become anything I put my mind to...and I did. Neo's parent's told him that he couldn't do this and he couldn't do that...and he proved them wrong, and did. This is the difference between the two of us. I now question every ounce of our relationship. All five years worth. I'm drained of begging for his approval. I'm drained of asking him to let me in. I'm drained of wishing for his love, unconditionally. I'm drained of proving our relationship so he accepts it. I realized last night that maybe the wise man was right. Maybe I will stray from this man and seek the approval elsewhere... Last night I told him that I had a lot to offer someone. I wonder if he gets it? 10:42 a.m. - 2003-11-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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