denny-1's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 4,356 days Himeko. This is my Japanese name. I am the 'Princess Child'... Life is like one big game of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon. I had the most peculiar dream...and it turns out, so did Neo. He ended up waking me up out of a sound sleep pounding his elbow into my arm (I think I may have a bruise). As I whined in pain from the blow he turned and said, "oh sorry, I was killing the Sea Snake" ...turns out my dream may not be the peculiar one after all...any way, back to me. Lately I've been swimming in a sea of 'what do I want to be when I grow up?' emotions. You see, I'm now 28 and in 341 days I will be 29, and in 4,356 days I will be 40. Fuck. 40. I can see it as if the day were tomorrow. I question why I ever went to school in the first place...what is my degree for? and why am I still paying for it! I feel like a trough of wasted talent. Missed opportunity. I go to NYC and I feel like a shark swimming in a pool of tasty legs, kicking their meaty little toes as appetizers before the main course...I want to feel the buzz that happens when you make a big sale...I need to find a company that will set me free...instead, I am playing the role of the great OZ who sits behind a curtain and does nothing. I can already see it. I will be one of those women in their 40's who has a break down. I will wake up and realize that my life is shit and that I spent the last 20 years of my life doing shit. I will be a big pile of fucking shit. SHIT. I don't walk into a room without getting noticed...yet, I'm a nobody in the grand scheme of things. I crave knowledge. I want to learn more. I want someone to teach me. I want to read books about plumbing. I want to cook an authentic Mexican meal. I want to taste fine wine and cheese and immediately recognize it's origin. I want to look up at the sky and say, "that's Orion", or "that's Jupiter". I want to run numbers in my head without my calculator. Oh, woe is me. Just one of those days when you realize that no matter how many connections you may have within this world they are never enough to complete you. 5:56 p.m. - 2003-10-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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